Maybe I felt compelled to sign up for a marathon just a few days after my birthday for a reason. Maybe my birthday gift for this special birthday?Maybe a way to keep focused on something else other than what this birthday means?
Dunno, but here I am anyway.
This week, I turn that same age that my mother was when she died.
I was 8, and my brother was almost 6. Back then, I knew she died too young because everyone said so. Now I really know that she died too young because I'm here.
I feel young & unfinished. I can't fathom being done. If I were to know that I'd have 3 months from this point to wrap it up, I'd be devastated. What about my family? How could I not see my kids grow up? I realize that my son is at the same age my brother was, and my heart breaks for my brother all over again.
More than that, if I knew how my family would disintegrate & my children robbed, I would find some way not to go, not to put my children through that. I would crawl back from the depths of hell than to see that pain on my family.
But some illnesses creep up behind you like a coward, & steal the life that you are before you know what's happened.
I like to be grateful for everything that's been a part of my life. And most days, I am. But there are still those days that hell yes, I would return the childhood I was given & get one with my mom instead.
Broken or not, my losses & my childhood made me who I am. Thanks to aunts & uncles, cousins, in-laws, husband, children, & friends, my brother & I managed to survive, function, love, & be loved. And I really can't expect more than that.
I plan to be here for a loooong time. I can't guarantee it, but I can plan it.
So this week, I plan to celebrate the life that was my mom's, and the life that will be mine - 26.2 times over.
29 comments:
Great post! " can't guarantee it, but I can plan it." really is the truth, huh?
Wonderful post - I'm a little bit speechless.
I'm sorry that this will be a tough Birthday, but Happy Birthday. Running a marathon this weekend is a perfect example of living life to its fullest.
Hey, sister, this post brought a tear to the eye of this jaded soul, I'm not ashamed to admit. It will melt the iciest heart of even the stone-coldest muh-fuh out there in the cold, cold blogosphere. If you've lived, you've lost; if you've lost, you hurt. And that hurt doesn't go away because it is in that hurt that the memory of those we've lost resides, I think. Their pain is over; we're in pain because we remember them.
Your mother would be proud of you, sister! I am. I hope your memory of her takes you to the loftiest heights this upcoming weekend in Philadelphia. I'll be sending a thought your way ... and hers.
Take care, sister. Do something for yourself todaythat your mother might have done!
There isn't a much better way to put the whole saying of "live each day to the fullest" then what you just did.
You have the right attitude and I like this post. Good luck on your race!
Well one thing is for sure, you will have all the motivation and inspiration you need to do great in your marathon. Great post and good luck!
OMGosh this post made me teary. I don't even know what to say :-/ But I will say you're going to do awesome during the marathon. I know it ;D
wow... what an amazing post. have a great birthday!! you are going to really rock that marathon this weekend. you have some amazing inspiration behind you.
What a difficult birthday. I'm sorry. I am tearing up for that 8-year-old girl, but am so inspired by the fact that you're marking the moment with a marathon. What a great gift to yourself and your family.
I think you are going to have a wonderful marathon this weekend. Go out there and enjoy life.
I have tears in my eyes. You will do great on Sunday. It's so obvious you're a strong person. Your mom is so proud of you.
Have a great birthday, thanks for sharing this memory with us.
how beautiful to run this for your mom and for you. you aren't running it alone. you will do great!
Well said. Run it for mom!
I lost my father at the age of 12, and I still think about him all the time. Capture your joy you had with her during the sprint to the finish. :)
That's a great post. Life is fragile, huh?
Happy Birthday - way to celebrate life. :-)
That was an awesome post Joy....and the marathon is a great way to honor and remember your mom....she would be so proud. Keep her in your running spirit along the 26.2 mile journey.....
Hope its the best birthday ever :-))
Geez. You pop by my blog and say something nice at the very moment I'm trashing you!
I trashed you anyway. I could've stopped, but I didn't.
So now I look like the bad guy.
Way to work the refs, lady!
This was a powerful post. Thanks for sharing your story - the marathon is a wonderful way to celebrate life! Your mom will be so proud.
BTW - she is beautiful! And I am pleased to see that we really did share matching bowl cuts.
Wow. I have goose bumps.
I'm sure your mother would be proud of the woman you are today. And I'm sure she'll be there with you as you are running on Sunday, all 26.2 miles of it.
Happy birthday and congratulations on all the wonderful things you will be celebrating this year. I know nothing can ever bring back losing your mother, but it sounds like you have so many other wonderful blessings in your life and you're a smart woman to take note of it.
Oh! That is so moving. What a wonderful reason to run :) In memory of someone special. Good luck!
Ain't that the truth. I commiserate because I lost my sister at a very young age and I think about how that singular event reorganized my thoughts on my childhood.
Have a happy birthday...and I think running a marathon is a great way to celebrate life and all for which you're grateful for.
Great post. You have a lot of heart behind this marathon and it'll pay off at the race. Draw from this well in those post 20 miles. Good luck!
I wish I had read this before posting my whine-fest of a post today. Totally puts everything in perspective.
Seems we both chose to have our first marathons on/near our birthdays. Combining two such emotional occasions is appropriate, I think.
Happy birthday.
There you go, writing something brilliant again! Just lay it out there and feel the love come flooding back via comments. Happy birthday, and good luck on the race!
I'd be more then willing to send you the wig. Just be for warned that it will get pretty muddy during this upcoming race and I make no promises of how clean I can for sure get it.
What a great post. Your family is so lucky to have you. :o)
Great post, it reminded me of a book I read a while back that talked about this stage in your life called Motherless Daughters. It really was helpful to me and I would reccomend it to anyone even if they haven't lost their mother to read it to understand. :) I'll be thinking of you and I know your mom would be amazingly blessed by you.
Happy Birthday! Sorry, since we didn't send you a card I decided to spam all your web accounts with Happy Birthday messages.
On a more serious note, I'm sure Tita Nina would be proud to know her daughter is the one all us younger cousins looked up to while growing up. Still do. Love you!
Your mom was beautiful! Happy Birthday! This is a wonderful post.
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